Skillful Q&A

Answer: There’s no question that bidding adieu to our children when they go back to school can be difficult—at any time.  Often, having them back at home during winter recess seems nothing short of fleeting, leaving us longing for more.
 
Consider, however, that until your daughter returns home again, the void she’s left can be filled with something else to hold her place.  And before you dismiss the existence of something you can’t see, ask yourself, don’t we know with certainty that air itself fills much of the empty space around us without our ability to actually see it? Just the same, the void created by your daughter’s departure is already filled. The practical question is can you find out and learn to appreciate what’s in it.
 
Because our primary thinking mind is often consumed with the emotions that flood us under states of duress, I would suggest that you seek the answer to this question in a more abstract way.  Study your dreams, or find a way to get under the surface into your subconscious mind. What images appear? What are your intuitive senses whispering to you? Here is where a “conceptual answer” might present itself that will restore comfort and meaning to your experience. Eventually, if you are successful, you will see both your daughter’s coming and going as blessings.  By finding a way to connect with whatever is filling the “empty” space, you can find the relief that you seek.

Answer: Solutions in relationships are never simple, but for now, the solution actually might be more simple than you know.  You’re constantly arguing, which means, you’re constantly both talking.  Stop talking, be quiet and listen.  People fear not getting in their last word, but responding isn’t a solution, it’s a form of stubbornness.  Take comfort in the quiet and maybe by not speaking, you may hear the problem and be able to find a solution.

Answer: I will first commend you for your sincere desire to improve your health. Now, I will tell you that, although you are right to identify smoking as a barrier, I would take you through what I consider is a more skillful way to go about it.

The fact is “quitting” is very difficult, and making it a New Year’s resolution when one has a propensity towards a familiar, negative feeling only makes it that much harder. In our society we see so many pick a resolution relating to health, yet it appears that most of those who make these well intended resolutions can’t stick to their plan. So the good news is, you’re not alone. And your use of the word failure suggests to me that you are heading in this direction again.

Here’s a thought – although you’ve resolved to quit smoking many times in the past, does the fact that you still smoke absolutely justify calling your previous attempts a failure? Consider what you learned about yourself in the process. Is quitting harder than you’d imagined? Are there circumstances where your cravings are stronger than others, and require more willpower? Although you ultimately gave in, there had to have been instances where you resisted, so how can you replicate them? Run through these points in your mind, and go deeper, appreciating the fact that you’ve made some progress. The challenge doesn’t seem as daunting if you think bigger. Sure, it’s difficult, but you’re that much further along in your journey, and therefore that much more equipped to come into better alignment, i.e. better function, if you think about it this way. Often we don’t know exactly where we are in the journey and the road may seem longer than it actually is. With a shift in perspective, which requires you to shed the negative lenses you’ve been using to see your tendencies, you’ll observe that you’re actually closer to your goal than you’ve ever been. Now, enter 2012 with this sense of accomplishment, and with a renewed outlook, arm yourself with the knowledge that you’re that much closer to championing the process. Shift the way you choose to see the world, and you will find it easier. Most importantly, you will feel better about yourself.

Then comes the next step—reconsider how you define health and make sure you cover all the bases. To tackle one specific target, while it might be an important piece of the pie, is not going to satisfy the multidimensional requirements that are a result of the complex interplay between the different facets of your life. Plans, especially resolutions, need to be mindful of the entire landscape. While we then will need to take one step at a time, it is necessary that you have the entire concept in mind. And in that view, the most essential element is a real sense of purpose. Before you resolve yourself to action, spend some time, considerable time in fact, bringing that into focus.

Answer: Clearly you are not alone and many struggle with the same feelings you’re having. In-laws and family visits cause tension, but it is up to you to accept who these people are and to accept the visit for what it is. Some things simply cannot be changed, but instead can be regarded as hidden blessings. Without the existence of your mother-in-law, you would have never had the opportunity to meet the woman you love. Your mother-in-law is simply a part of your life, and by fighting it, you are causing tension with the person you are sharing your life with. What is bothering you? Is it really your mother-in-law, or is it the way you allow her to make you feel about her relationship with your wife? Look into the mirror and take a minute to reflect.

Think about how important your wife is to you. Choose to be the leader, bringing happiness to everyone else this season. You can evade a good deal of the frustration you experience this time of year by first setting an example and emulating how you want everyone else to feel. Try composing a letter to your mother-in-law and wife, enumerating all their best qualities, flood them with love, joy and thankfulness and see how the atmosphere changes. Most importantly, see how your mood changes. In the end, as someone very wise once said, you can be the change you want to see.

If you still need a moment, try spending time in a quiet place alone, like a church or park. Make this season a time of reflection, see fully and fully accept what is. Pull out the clothes and the heart of “merry” and become the bearer of “happy” for everyone you love this holiday.

Answer: Emotions are complicated. Indeed, they are rarely singular. In that way, it is natural to feel a sense of sadness at a time when you’re supposed to be feeling grateful. The fact is, genuine gratitude emerges from challenges that were overcome. And while you probably realize that identifying difficulties is the key to a powerful, beneficial life, keeping your focus on them is counter-productive. While gatherings often start off on a joyous note, they can unroof underlying feelings of despair, leading some to harp on the hardship in an effort to seek comfort from their loved ones that surround them. There is so much charge during these gatherings that the intensity of these polarizing forces affects us more deeply than usual. The holidays are probably one of the few times each year when you get to see more of the members of your extended family, which by itself is a challenge. In one way or the other, everyone in the room tends to feel a little bit more strain; and as you point out things can quickly get out of hand.

In light of this, I suggest that you take the lead as the host. Although you’d like everything to be a bit more upbeat, things may be going on in your relatives’ lives that they don’t want to go through alone. It is important not to ignore their need. However, in order not to let the energy take everyone down, the best thing to do is to go beyond good listening. Yes it is necessary to provide the support. But it is even more critical to reintroduce the light. While it is essential not to negate the experiences and feelings that others need to share, it is your place to offer a positive perspective to the festivities by steering the conversation back toward the good. If you sense the conversation veering toward sadness and your cousin begins talking about her divorce, take the reins and turn them in another direction. Would she have her three beautiful children without that louse? Shift the mood, not by resisting it, but by offering your light. You’ll find that your gatherings will have a different feel.

Don’t know how? Here’s an exercise – encourage every member of your family to write a list of the things they are grateful for, and then each of you go around the table and share one at a time in between the various courses served. You’ll be surprised how many good things are in your lives, and how much you are all appreciated.

Answer: Think about how wonderful your experiences as a young woman have been. Place significance on different times and attribute those times to who you are now. I’m sure it goes without saying, that your youth was full of amazing and splendid moments that you remember with great fondness and cherish wholeheartedly. But, it is exactly the impermanent nature of these that makes them so special….what would life be like if we were always sunning ourselves on the beach? The lines on your face, in fact, are the physical embodiment of those pleasures and that joy. To see them otherwise is a reflection of the society to which you were born. When we look at ourselves as old we forget the truth–that time is not what it seems.

Indeed, time is full of irony; yet to be dissatisfied with the marks of aging, indeed living itself, is to deny yourself the full pleasure of the great moments to come. It appears that you were a beautiful woman in your youth, but I also suspect you are now and will be even more so next year. If you want to get plastic surgery, I am no one to tell you not to, but I do know that although I prune my trees to guide their growth, pruning them too much to achieve a “perfect” shape is futile. You are unhappy with the lines on your face because of what society has forced upon us. It is important that you recognize the harm in believing that we have the power to fight the aging process. It is also important that understand the desire to defy the aging process is just as detrimental. Let go of the conventional image of beauty and expand your understanding of what is truly beautiful. May your life and its experience always be reflected in your countenance.

Answer: Stop for a moment and think about how much hard work you’re putting into developing your own business. That must feel very good for the most part. Clearly, it is important to you. However, think about the consequences of imposing an “expiration date” on the process. Ultimately this serves to undermine all that’s been done and may seriously compromise the end result. I would encourage you to keep preparing for your business’ opening, but adjust to the ups and downs of the pace, just like you tolerate, perhaps enjoy, the various attributes of each of the four seasons. It would be wise to embrace this sluggish time as enthusiastically and graciously as the preparation and hard work that preceded it.

It is common, though odd, that our expectations for our businesses and other projects rarely reflect the ebb and flow that we see all around us. While it is ok to set some expectations and to track your progress accordingly, it is essential that these expectations are realistic. And success is not measured simply by how close you remain to this timeline. Other variables might arise that require your attention and these “storms” may actually guide you to an even better outcome. In the end, periods of slowing down are normal, even welcome, as they provide opportunities for reflection and reevaluation.

One more thing…what if you were on time, would that guarantee success? It might be wisest to see the journey to your goal as the destination itself, since you may never attain exactly what you desired at first. What you end up with may even be better, and knowing and understanding that is the most skillful thing you could hope for. Indeed, I wish you the good fortune to see this work out in your life.

Answer: First and foremost, don’t blame yourself and feel that you’ve enabled your son.  Caring for your children and nurturing them comes naturally and is the essence of being a parent. I’m sure that most of your life, you’ve coupled your giving with life lessons.  Stop and think about why you’ve worked so hard and you will likely find that most of what you have done as a parent has been for the benefit of your child.

Next, while allowing yourself to feel gratitude in how you’ve embraced your role as a dedicated parent recognize that is also your job to educate your child on the essential nature of cycles.  Sit down with your son and tell him how much you love him and what you’ve done on his behalf.  It’s ok to remind your son that things don’t magically happen.  You’ve given birth to your son, you’ve worked hard to provide for him, and now there are opportunities in his life because of the literal seed that have been planted and cultivated is almost ready to bloom. Your husband, yourself and your son are now at the point of the cycle where the product that is ripening needs to take a leap to become fully aware and  then fully responsible. But this doesn’t happen overnight. While birds take a leap right out of the nest one day, humans take their time. Indeed, there is a particular sweetness of the tender connections between children and their parents that can continue a lifetime. However, growth and maturity are not optional if this is to happen. A day will come where you need to have this conversation.  ar. Before birth there was conception.  Before you could provide for him, you had to grow yourself and invest some effort to be in that position, and one day he will have to do the same.

Answer: First, take a minute and think about when you left for college and how difficult it might have been for you. Unless you didn’t particularly enjoy high school, for most of us, that was a particularly exciting time; and by the end of those years, the emerging freedoms associated with adulthood were pitted against the hard feelings of leaving our lifelong childhood friends—a comfort zone buoyed by our families and the old neighborhood. If you put yourself back into that mindset, you realize that your fears then were unfounded, as you have arrived at a far greater place. Yet, at the time, this was hard to see and made it hard to leave.

Sure, it is difficult to move. You may want to hold on to the past just like many of us did when we were eighteen, but your own experience indicates that you have been rewarded by the decision back then. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so attached to your current circumstances. Try looking at this pending relocation and seeing past the comfort zone and focus on what potential for growth still remains. Think about the many experiences that you would have missed out on by not moving forward in the past. Are you willing to stop now?  While your youth was thrilling and fun, would you have preferred to stay, knowing what you do?

You are transitioning to the next step in your life. Try to let go of the past and look forward. Remember that in life, we are constantly taking cues from the natural rhythms. Just like the earth, we are in constant motion, and just like the earth, it is both natural and beneficial for us. Our lives are a set of seasons, so embrace your new season and be grateful for all that it may bring.

Answer: Don’t emotionally batter yourself over this. We have to remember that people are different. Each and every one of us are separate and unique; some of us are more vulnerable than others to global events and we react differently.  You need to understand this in order not to slip into a downward spiral of shame and guilt.

You made a comment in your question, referencing what those who lost their loved ones at ground zero must still be going through, that leads me to believe that you don’t feel that it is your place to judge what others in this position are going through.  In the same vein, you should show yourself the same consideration.  Blaming yourself or harboring guilt for what you’re feeling—or not feeling—is a self-inflicted judgment against your own character, and therefore just as amiss.  The reality is that what moves one individual simply may not have the same affect on another.

The beauty in all of this lies within our distinction from one another.  Allow me to remind you that it takes a vast set of differences to create the melting pot of unique individuals that make this world so interesting and allows it to function as a whole.  Think about it…what would our relationships be like if were all the same, who would teach our children and who would pave the roads?  It’s these fundamental differences that help us blossom and grow as individuals as well as cultures and societies.

Also, remember that simply by feeling bad and questioning why you don’t behave a certain way is exactly what makes you sensitive to the situation you feel insensitive about.  Your strength may just simply lie elsewhere.  I have a strong feeling that you do your part.  Spend some time with yourself identifying what that is, and take pride in that.

Answer: For those who participate in organized religion, community is a central part of their practice. However, many people are turned off by what is available to them in this regard for one reason or another. Maybe they have moral objections to the religion of their childhood or feel rejected by a particular church. As a result, they shun the idea of a spiritual community and may even give up on the attempt to find one.

However, it is also important to realize that a spiritual community does not have to have any affiliation with organized religion. As such, spending time in a supportive environment, sharing a sacred space and connecting to our individual spirit – perhaps, if necessary, unbridled by the trappings of religious institutions–are the ingredients for achieving much of the benefits that you seek.

In all likelihood there are many people who live near you and share the same feelings. As a first step, start talking to people who you feel might be open to these ideas, and as soon as you can gather two or three people, you’ve got yourself a community.

Whether you gather in nature or in a home, I recommend meeting in a quiet location once a week or even once a month. Spend 30 minutes discussing life’s joys, challenges and meaning. Then spend another half hour in quiet contemplation. Close with a statement of gratitude and a commitment to return next time.

Answer: You are not alone. Most people I see have at one time or another been on “a diet”. Very few are successful long term, in many ways, much like you have described. What I want you to appreciate is that there are three kinds of hunger: physical, emotional and spiritual. If you think about your “needs” that way, it will open your eyes to a new perspective. Next, you must also realize that the three types of hunger often get confused in our minds and, rather than understanding the distinction between each of them, we just feel hungry. Thus, if you are emotionally or spiritually wanting and cannot “feed” yourself effectively in those areas respectively, your only source of fulfillment for the sensation of hunger will be from the food you consume. Indeed, overeating is often a response to unfulfilled emotional or spiritual hunger. Instead, imagine if you could address your emotional and spiritual hunger in a more skillful manner. This is the basis for a new approach to weight loss. Working this way, there would be no reason for a diet at all, you will simply not need to eat so much and what you will desire will be more in line with what is really best for you as well.

Answer: First, I advise you to reconsider the “mistake” you made when choosing a career path. What have you been able to learn about yourself from your experiences in this job? If you are able to learn from what you think is a mistake, then it is not really a mistake in the end. The ancient Romans understood this concept when they wrote about a Felix Culpa, which in Latin means “happy error.” Often, these sorts of mistakes lead to the greatest discoveries.

In his book, Stumbling on Happiness, psychologist Daniel Gilbert points out that “the average American moves more than six times, changes jobs more than ten times, and marries more than once, which suggests that most of us are making more than a few poor choices.” However, we do not need an expert to point out this obvious fact. In life, many of the best lessons do not come by emulating excellence as by learning from the pattern of people’s errors, including our own.
Less than 45% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs and unemployment continues to soar. Whether it means reinventing yourself within your field, changing career paths entirely or broadening your concept of “work,” it’s essential to find meaningful work.

Answer: You are not alone. By judging yourself for not accomplishing a big goal, you naturally feel badly and this makes sense. However, if you think about it, you are setting yourself up for this feeling and in essence, you’re choosing to live in the shadows.

Instead, you might consider how hard it is to make major changes and accept that some goals may be too ambitious and keep you in a rut of sorts. As a result, you don’t make any real progress and feel badly about yourself. So rather than letting that become an excuse for negativity and low self esteem, why don’t you consider finding “a change” you can absolutely attain? Now is the time to break out of that vicious cycle by making a commitment to doing something that is absolutely, 100 percent achievable. Even if it’s just “tomorrow I will go outside for a walk,” resolve to do it and in doing so, you’ll get a sense of accomplishment and growth. There is always time for more resolutions, the critical thing is that you move forward and feel good about yourself in the process.

Answer: Let’s backtrack. You say you start to feel down when your birthday rolls around, but what are you feeling in the days and weeks leading up to it? If you are having trouble answering this question, perhaps you are focusing so intently on the event itself that you’re missing the enjoyment of the time leading up to it. During this time of year, it is of paramount importance to have solid footing. Transition is not too far off and it is crucial to be prepared for it…but while thinking about the future is prudent, thinking too far ahead without appreciation for the valuable time you’re experiencing currently can sabotage your gratification and lead to apprehension.

Although you would probably like for me to tell you that there is something specific you are suffering from and write you a prescription for what will cure it, I would rather you do your best to honor and accept the cycles of life and see each passing season, or year, as the hallmark and sine qua non of growth. As your birthday approaches, think about what you accomplished by just being born, and revel in how much more powerful you’ve become year after year.

One more thing….it sounds as though you have been living with this recurring feeling long enough to really “know” it. If that is the case, rather than trying to avoid it or question it, take ownership of your feelings and without judgment take the opportunity to navigate them more skillfully each time they present. Like a caterpillar struggling to shed its cocoon and become a butterfly, unpleasantries are sometimes the result of a beautiful and necessary change.

Next time you feel as though time is slipping by, instead of fearing that you are caught in a downward spiral that is impossible to evade, record the cycle with pride in the evolution of your wisdom and maturity that allows you to appreciate life’s true meaning and value more and more. Remember that birthdays are simply man-made measurements and know whole heartedly that the days and months will retain their usual pace if you allow yourself to focus on the beauty of the moment you are living in now.

Answer: I think you’ve already gotten a second opinion – your doctor’s. Your first opinion, however, is what’s missing from this equation…and that is your own.
You say you have been told your high cholesterol is a problem. Indeed, that is an issue. Without considering all the factors involved, by itself, I believe it is an overstatement of the fact. This is not to say that it is not a problem, but there is so much more to consider when making such a claim. So first, I would make sure you have this discussion with a physician who is willing to review how cholesterol contributes to the development of heart disease and simultaneously is knowledgeable about the other factors and their management as well, such as how stress plays a role and affects your health. Without that, it will be hard to assess the significance of this blood test, let alone the other options to manage it. It is only after such a discussion and review of the entire state of your condition that you will be in the right position to make a decision, and thus, establish your opinion without being left, as you are now, in a state of ambivalence and doubt.

Ultimately, to make the important choices about health requires a clear understanding of what health actually is. To be specific, in my opinion, health is not about the numbers alone and thus to be guided by statistics limits the options and often will not direct you toward the health you desire, which for most of us is more about the quality of our lives than anything else.
As I’m sure you realize, it is impossible to reach your goals, even good ones such as achieving this quality of life that I allude to, without knowing where you’ve been, and even more importantly, where you are now. So have you thought about what got you here? Do you know what our cholesterol level symbolizes and why it’s important to have it measured? Do you know all the possible reasons for why it is high and how that impacts the other elements of your health and well-being? Are there other, potentially more important areas of concern, about the quality of your life, now and for the future? I have no doubt that your doctor is an intelligent man looking to find the best option for you, but these are not questions that he can answer. Only you can.
I assume you don’t want to go on medication for many of the same reasons most people don’t. Developing a reliance on anything is never part of anyone’s plan but somehow seems to be the path many find themselves on. Clearly, drugs come with unwelcome side effects. Limited solutions, however, also come with side effects, so why are you resistant to one and not the other? In truth, high cholesterol, like a multitude of other “conditions” recognized by the Western medical establishment, is not actually a condition at all, but the tip of an iceberg, a superficial symptom of an imbalance in the bigger picture of your life. Whether or not you start taking medication to control it, the bigger issue must be addressed.
If you start taking medication now to bring your cholesterol down, but make no other changes in your life, what good is it? The underlying issue will not only persist, but even if the “treatment” brings the number down, it remains a force looming beneath the surface waiting to bring you down in another way.
So yes, listen to your doctor, but first, listen to yourself. Take responsibility for your wellness and regain control of your health. Rather than subjecting yourself to another round of opinions, your circumstance calls for a thoughtful investment of your own attention. This requires asking some more questions and potentially it may lead you to some other individuals to assist you. Ultimately, however, you need to take control and have faith in yourself, so you can make the best decision possible.

Answer: When you’re having trouble sleeping, sometimes the best thing to do is to get up. You may think that darkness and stillness are the only remedies to restlessness, but if your body and your mind are rejecting your current state, the best thing to do is change it. Instead of falling deeper into your frustration, get up and do something that makes you feel better. There is no single answer to why our sleeping patterns may get thrown off. If you don’t know why you woke up, ask yourself why. Listen to your body. Think in connection with the outside world; consider what is taking place beyond the four walls of your home. What is nature doing that might be contributing? I sleep in a room with a floor to ceiling window, and on very clear nights, the light from the stars wakes me up. Tap into what your body is trying to tell you and respond to yourself without any judgments about it.

The next time you’re having trouble sleeping, instead of trying to ignore how you’re feeling, recognize and accept the roadblock. Appreciate the message you are being sent and do something that calms you, like reading or meditating. This will help you work through it.

Instead, you might consider how hard it is to make major changes and accept that some goals may be too ambitious and keep you in a rut of sorts. As a result, you don’t make any real progress and feel badly about yourself. So rather than letting that become an excuse for negativity and low self esteem, why don’t you consider finding “a change” you can absolutely attain? Now is the time to break out of that vicious cycle by making a commitment to doing something that is absolutely, 100 percent achievable. Even if it’s just “tomorrow I will go outside for a walk,” resolve to do it and in doing so, you’ll get a sense of accomplishment and growth. There is always time for more resolutions, the critical thing is that you move forward and feel good about yourself in the process.

Answer: It is true that you should have a good relationship with a physician who knows your medical history and gives you routine check ups. If you haven’t seen a doctor in some time, you should also get certain baseline measurements taken. More importantly, perhaps, is that you check in with yourself on a regular basis. Make your own personal evaluation of your wellness: the quality of your life, relationships, physical environment, feeling of connectedness sense of vitality, etc. This will give you a more complete understanding of the state of your health.

Answer: No, you are not wrong. You are stirring with intense and conflicting feelings that are hard to make sense of–tension between empathy and the need for self preservation. Because these seem at odds, they are creating a state of anxiety, which is further adding to your distress. All of this makes sense, though it can be difficult to come to terms with it all. The only thing I question is the guilt you say you are feeling. Thinking about it more, is it not natural, in the face of such a disaster, for individuals to be concerned with their own well-being?

On the other hand, you mention not taking things for granted which is an important insight. I often tell my patients that getting sick is an opportunity to identify an unhealthy behavior, see how it is causing imbalance, and correct it. Similarly, witnessing catastrophe gives us an opportunity to gain perspective, and use it to appreciate our own circumstances.

As I mentioned before, the earth is not entirely safe, no matter how much we try to “manage it.” This forces people to consider the ephemeral nature of their lives and to find deeper meaning and to align their behavior with that in mind. This is not to minimize the impact of the tragedy that others are experiencing. But it does not serve anyone if we suffer so much that we fall apart.

Although you mention that you are finding it hard to look at the images, I actually see this as a necessary form of compartmentalization. Our subconscious mind actually protects us in this way, preserving our ability to function at the highest level in the face of such a crisis. That being said, if exposing yourself to the knowledge of what’s going on in other parts of the world is important to you, find a place for it in your life, and keep it there. It would not be prudent for anyone to constantly consume thoughts and images that are disturbing.

As an example, I too like to stay informed, but I make it a point to watch the news in the morning, and never before bed. This, I’ve found, manages my sensitivity to tomorrow’s images. I would encourage you to do the same. You can be educated, sympathetic, and even see how you can help, but be sure to do it skillfully by first establishing and then maintaining the balance necessary to stay level headed. As important, remember that the inevitability of tragedy does not have to become a cause for more fear. Instead, we can harness our balance in order to be prepared for whatever happens so it does not paralyze us.
It is said that people who go through traumatic experiences ultimately live happier lives because their trauma allows them to gain a valuable perspective. In addition to witnessing their own strength through the very act of survival itself, there is a bond that occurs between people that face the same event. Together this creates a deeper appreciation for what it means to live. In many ways, people may be scared of the earth right now, identifying its power as a malicious force…but we know better than this. It does not have good or bad intentions, and since is not something we can control, we can only embrace it, or at least learn from it, respecting that it is this force itself that is life affirming. In the face of these events, all that you have expressed is natural and I thank you for your question. But please don’t forget to focus on the miracle of survival that we can witness at the same time. Once again, it is a matter of choice.

Answer: While the love we feel for others is such an important part of having a full life, the other side of that coin is the grief we experience when we lose some aspect of that connection, such as when a person dies. As painful as loss can be, we could only feel that by virtue of having loved. In that way, love and grief are strange partners. Sometimes, living a rich life means fully accepting and appreciating the pain it brings. However, while we must experience pain, it is important that we not get stuck in the mindset of cultivating suffering in our lives; that part of it is unnecessary and you have a choice

Indeed, you can choose to experience fullness in all of life’s moments. Even if you are experiencing pain or grief, you can feel fullness as well. Feel your emotions fully – even the difficult ones – but don’t let them dominate your experience of the moment. Open yourself up to the beauty that comes with each moment, too, whether it is the sunshine outside the window or the smell of an amazing meal being cooked. The key to all of this is to allow yourself to feel, using all of your senses, so that the thoughts in your mind alone do not interfere with your ability to experience beauty in the moment. When you do this, I think you will feel a greater sense of fullness, renewing the relationship between those in the past with your life in the present.

Answer: There is a big difference between a failure and a setback, and it sounds like you may be confusing the two. When working towards a goal, whether lofty or not, it is common for people to face setbacks. While establishing definitive outcomes is admirable and sensible, what you may before getting (and accepting) is that external forces may not cooperate and can prevent the “desired” outcome from becoming a realization. When this happens, you are left in a position of self-blame, which is not healthy or skillful. Understand that there may be other reasons that prevent you from losing the weight on the timeline you’ve set forth, and that other methods are worth exploring. Beyond that, an even more fundamental question is why you feel you need to lose weight, which might seem like a strange question from a medical professional. The deeper suggestion here is that we often set goals because of someone else’s rules, some of which are not always applicable, especially when they don’t consider the bigger picture. Indeed, understanding this perspective alone can be quite liberating. But, let’s go back to the main topic and let me give you a tip on where to begin.

Although it can be difficult to accept, perhaps your repeated attempts to accomplish a very attainable goal are being overshadowed by an unrealistic time frame. Nature has different paths for each of us, and what’s in the cards for us may not be congruent for when nature intends to deliver us to our destinations. There are factors in life that you cannot change and that may not work with your direct objective. The objective, like losing the 10 pounds, as satisfying as it may be to achieve, is limiting if the outcome, and no part of the journey, is solely what matters.

Instead, stop thinking about the failures, the setbacks and even the goal. It’s like a baseball team constantly training and running plays with the direct goal to win the game by 10 runs. There are so many forces that no matter how many plays you’ve run, you’re never guaranteed a 10 run win.

Reflect on what you’ve learned from trying and think about what you can take from it. Stop planning and start doing. Think about how you feel each step of the way. Does your intuition tell you that you are going in the right direction? Go outside not to lose weight, but to feel the irrefutable pleasure of activity under the stunning sun. Embrace the heat the sun is generating and apply it to your plan. Claim it as your catalyst. Goals that lead to the application of the labels of success or failure are setups for the latter. Instead, redirect your attention to today, not the future. Don’t give up on your resolution, but reevaluate how you are choosing to live your life — focus on guiding your boat down the river, not forcing yourself against the tide.

Answer: This is actually a very common dilemma that many children, especially sons, face when dealing with a mother’s identity later in life. We are raised calling her ‘mother’ and ‘mom’ and we are taught as children to identify them as such. It is not until we are much older that we are able to even see their independent self and separate being. It is often hard to accept your mother as someone else, but just because we understand the root of the problem doesn’t make it easy to make the adjustment.

Think of your mother as the moon and you as the sun. The moon is a beautiful ball that provides us with clarity and reflects the light of the sun, but it is much more than that. The moon and sun are two separate entities and although they are connected and rely heavily on one another’s existence, they are still totally separate. If you look closely at the moon you will see the shadows that reside subtly within the large ball. Think of your mother as the moon that she is, reflecting your light proudly for years. Now look beyond that and into her shadows. You see the unique character that makes the moon so special.

By not seeing mothers any other way, it’s as if they were nothing until you existed. On the other hand, it can be argued that motherhood is the most important job on the planet. Indeed, mothers, maintain the most fundamental and essential connections that people have to each other. And while they play out this role, the women who happen to be mothers also possess other skills that enrich our lives. They are dancers, singers, listeners, thinkers and philosophers, travelers, writers, cooks, lovers, doctors, lawyers, executives and teachers at every level… and even with everything that makes them so uniquely special… they remain steadfastly devoted to their children.

Take a moment to reflect on that calm serene woman who gave life to you, but this time take ‘you’ out of the reflection. Look in her albums and at the pictures throughout her life. Ask her personal questions on things you don’t know the answers to. Learn a little more about the woman in the shadow and give the moon the respect it deserves.

Answer: Thank you for your question. Indeed, as a result, I have specifically chosen to delve deeper and pay close attention to our relationships for this full moon, especially with ourselves. It is important to remember that as members of our “advanced” society, we try to repair and fix things; but to some degree it is this energy and mindset that has caused much of the disharmony we experience. Thus, I would begin my answer with a suggestion that you step back and reframe the situation. Perhaps a fix is not necessary. I have a feeling that some nurturing with the tools of kindness and soulfulness is in order.

Specifically in your situation it is not necessarily about fixing your relationship between you and your brother. First and most notably, there is anger because there is love and, the only reason there is a feeling of neglect and anger is deeply rooted in that love. Indeed, you can be thankful that you have such a deep bond and this longing is evidence of that. To begin, I would share that feeling. Ideally you would also check your ego and return to the nature of your affection before it was disrupted by the storm (your brother’s move). It seems that other members of your family were also affected by this storm, and up to now, you were following the same cycle as your family and making unskillful and unhealthy choices by not visiting. However, since you are asking, you may be in the best position to set the stage for transformation. It should not be about how much time you have to take to visit or how much it will cost you, but instead it should be about the meaning of each day spent with your brother and his family. You are devaluing yourself as a person by denying this emotional relationship with your family. Look at what he can bring to you each time you see him and each time you see him, tell him you’ll be back soon. But, most importantly, begin by opening the dialogue and sharing your feelings.

By setting a positive example for your brother and your parents, you begin to return the soil of your weathered garden into a state of health; making an important imprint with your intentions, and setting a standard that bears a light everyone will see. By reminding yourself of the nature of your relationship, you can find the power to transform yourself and your relationship with your family.

As the Buddhists maintain, we have trouble learning from our mistakes because we do not make the “right” effort,” which demands continuous work to keep our minds free of thoughts that hinder our ability to live skillfully. By making the right effort—the sixth aspect of Buddhism’s Noble Eightfold Path—one becomes free of attachments and delusions, leading to an understanding of the truth about all things and providing the necessary energy and motivation for growth and progress towards freedom. However, since this does not happen serendipitously we must choose to do this work or suffer the consequences of neglect.

Share this with your brother and make the plan to visit. Once you are there, take comfort and joy in the good feelings you can cultivate and cherish every moment. Life is too short to take any other path.

Answer: The end of an important relationship is always challenging. A period of disappointment and despair is quite natural. But so is our emergence from it. What you need to move forward may require some more time, but in all probability since you are seeking relief, you seem ready to take the next step. The issue, then, is to muster the forces to let go. My recommendation is that you not convince yourself to do this, but cultivate your skill at letting go and let the process unfold more naturally.

To begin, imagine for a moment what it would be like to live to your fullest potential and in harmony with those you love, surrounded by beauty and at peace. Spend some time developing this image and the feelings associated with it. Though you may not see this state lasting too long, keep coming back to this image, get comfortable in that space. Now examine the attachments that are holding you back. Are there some attachments you can shed right now? If so, release them. Every time you have an opportunity, see if there is something else you can let go of. Along the way, keep returning to that image of integrity, peace and harmony. See how much lighter it makes you feel. If you find that something is holding you back, explore its origin. You might pick up a notebook and compose a story of your thoughts and experiences. Play back that story as a movie: find a way for the hero or heroine, you, to heal and return to wholeness. If you are having a hard time letting go, choosing for whatever reason to hold onto pain in one area, come back to it another time. For now, do what you can and be kind and patient with yourself.

It may help to know that one of the things we hold onto is the notion that we are something other than perfect. And, we might be better served if we let go of the faulty thought that change is impossible or out of reach. In fact, we do it all the time. What does not change so easily is what our ego holds onto most tightly–its assumed identity. In this instance, even using the word “fiancée” holds you back as it defines you by association with another. Let go of the word. See this as part of your personal growth and evolution, but nothing more. Give your true self and your inner voice more credit for its independent value.

Answer: Many years ago, before modern day currency, people were actually paid in salt. This is the origin of the word salary, which originates from the Latin word salarium. It might be hard to envision something that’s now so accessible playing such a vital role in the system of values years ago, but that is the true nature of money—its value is relative. The point I’m making is that money itself is not important, and the emphasis our society has placed on it has given it a false sense of value.

Now, let’s return to the present and your situation. For one, know that some expenses are inevitable. For instance, taxes don’t just sneak up on us. Mortgages usually run a span of 30 years. There are certain milestones in our lives and the lives of our families, with costs attached to them, that we can anticipate ahead of time. The skill of life planning is a virtue we should all indulge in.

Next, let’s examine the meaning of the word “value” for a moment. The wellness and education of your children, your shelter and means of getting around, your quality of life…these things all have value, but it sounds like you are trapped in the belief that money is more important than the quality of the relationships themselves. I would not argue that the things you need to support the primary needs of the individuals you love are not important, but I would suggest that you find the intrinsic value in other things that you provide with your attention separate from the paper in your pocket.

For example, it would help you to make greater use of the elements of nature that are freely available. What activities do you remember from your childhood that were most important….fishing, cooking, a hike in the woods? , Indeed, these activities and those things that bring people together in a spiritual sense don’t usually cost anything. You mention that your children are not babies anymore and that you need to find alternate avenues for enriching and fulfilling their lives. Instead of taking them to a baseball game for an unheard of price tag, take them for a walk in the park. Bask in the sun’s rays together and skip stones across a mountain lake. I think if you spent more time doing these things yourself, you might find yourself in need of less. Ultimately, the greatest source of abundance is knowing that the food we need comes in many forms. The key is to diversify the investment of your time to tap into these different sources.

Again, instead of exerting misplaced energy and falling victim to the mounting stress you feel crippled by, I encourage you to step back and think about the things that stand the test of time that don’t cost anything. If you’ve made a mistake, and hurt or disappointed someone important to you, when has buying them an expensive gift ever really solved the problem?

Finally, because it seems that your heart is in the right place, I urge you to cut yourself some slack. I don’t think you need to change that much at all. Instead, I suggest you try to creatively reevaluate what you need, and add emphasis and devote time to those things that are intrinsically valuable. Ultimately you may find that this investment is far more rewarding, and you will begin to feel better. And with time, you will realize that many of the material things that you now value are not nearly as important as the love you share that comes from your heart, something you have always had and will always possess.

Answer: Summer is an excellent time to experiment with seasonal produce. Instead of arbitrarily trying to add fruits and vegetables to your diet, go to a farmer’s market and pick up the produce that is in season. Try to stay open minded, even choosing things that you think you won’t enjoy. Because seasonal fruits and vegetables taste much better than those out of season, you may find that some things you didn’t like in the past are much better than you remember.

Answer: First, let me say that I am with you. In fact, today is my 50th birthday! And here is what I would offer in response to your question…. If you and I were to take a simple survey, I think we would find that most people associate aging with death as opposed to growth. Indeed, in modern society, people carry a profound fear of death. Disconnected from the practices and wisdom of a vital spiritual context, many not only fear the dying process and the pain associated with it but also death itself and what, if anything, follows. If this is how we live, as we age, we will, in our mind, inexorably move closer and closer to this end game. For many, aging represents a ticking bomb and death a leap into the great unknown. Unless we find an alternative way to organize our thinking this will always be our view. Only by coming around to a more enlightened understanding of our lives and the relativity of death will we ever truly experience the fullness of living.

In fact, considering the inevitability of our own mortality can enrich our lives. It can help us appreciate the bounty around us. It pushes us to work harder on our relationships—strengthening those that need support and letting go of those that no longer serve us. It can show us how to truly appreciate what we have and take less for granted. It can help us reconnect to others and to all life on this planet. It can point us in the direction of meaningful work and help us renew our commitment to discovering our true dharma. In short, confronting our existential anxiety puts us on the path to the ultimate state of being. To do this is to live skillfully.

Answer: Yes, there is something wrong with you – you have lost your natural ability to sit, be quiet and enjoy stillness. Fortunately, with some practice, you can get this skill back…and this is an ideal time of year to get into this practice.

Honor the shorter days by eating dinner earlier and settling in sooner.

When it gets dark, turn off your gadgets and any noise – including music – or outside stimulation.

Sit still or in quiet activity.

Enjoy the dark and quiet.

Listen to the earth around you – the sounds of your creaking house, the air conditioner, the wind outside, the occasional bird or traffic sound, your beating heart and breath.

Answer: Seeing your wife’s point of view is a healthy first step, but ultimately it may not be enough. The true challenge is hearing her and connecting in other ways to appreciate how she is affected by your thoughts. What non-verbal cues does your wife give you? Sometimes we have to listen to our loved ones so intently—not only to what they are saying, but in a way, to “feel” the vibrations that emerge from their consciousness involuntarily—in order to understand the depth of their sentiments. When you use the word, “convincing”, it makes me think that you are trying to get her to see things your way. Instead, ask yourself if you are fully hearing her. It is ok, as well, to ask her if she fully hears you. The practice of listening and feeling is essential to a healthy relationship.

Keep in mind that the coo of a child is the most stimulating sound that exists for a woman. To say something eternally memorable is a remarkable feat, but to create such a vibration in another person brings unparalleled reward. As adults, we would do well to return to our innate ability to resonate with others in this respect. In this regard, I agree with you, there are limited returns on a debate that carries on too long; and couples should learn to live with their individual opinions and views and drop the argument before it takes on a life of its own. More importantly, the focus should be on the connection and the love. In both of these, the feeling state is more revealing than the words.

Answer: Obviously there are some common practical medical recommendations to follow, such as washing your hands and avoiding those who are sick if you can. However, I would offer another thought that might be especially important to you and partially explain why you are particularly susceptible. It starts with a question: How are you spending your energy during this season? In other words, do you have enough left for your immune system?

When you’re exposed to colds and flus, your immune system requires a certain amount of energy to fight off the illness. If you don’t let yourself slow down and properly rest during these winter months, you could be depleting your necessary reserve of that energy and therefore weakening your resistance to illness. The fact is, that there is less energy to go around during the colder winter months and some people hover closer to their threshold than others. Thus, it might be necessary for you to consider how you spend your energy and conserve more of it, in addition to following the other practical measures you know about.

Answer: There are many modalities out there – some conventional and some alternative – that you can explore to get relief from your back pain. I will discuss a number of these over time, including:

Osteopathy

Physical therapy

Acupuncture

Other forms of bodywork such as massage therapy

And many more. However the principle I would raise here is that whomever you see, you seek a practitioner that has a holistic approach to your issue. The more holistic they are and the broader their perspective is, the better they will be for your back and for your life.

The most common practitioner that is sought for your condition other than those in the mainstream medical field is a chiropractor. However, not all chiropractors are the same. I suggest you find one whose holistic approach extends beyond just the problems with your spine.

Answer: Thank you for confiding in me enough to even broach the subject. Respecting your need for autonomy, I want to first acknowledge that I’m glad you weren’t more specific on the details of your predicament. Indeed, I think I might be able to be more effective if I simply walked you through the nature of how we process information to make decisions.

Essentially there are four routes.

The first is to defer the decision to someone else. This is what you might have been alluding to when you mentioned your friend and even how swayed you could potentially be by my advice directly. In general, when we defer decisions, we abrogate responsibility of the outcome. This only works for things that don’t matter. I don’t get the sense that this applies now. I thus commend you for your ability to identify the reality that somebody’s condemnation or approval can have a sizeable effect on your decisions. That in itself is a brave and insightful admission.

The second route would be one that might be called impulsive by some, and reckless by others. Here too, this is rarely the wisest choice. Though eventually we need to take a leap of faith in almost every situation, there is great value in sitting with a decision that has as far reaching implications as it appears this one does for you.

The third route is to collect more information and play out all the possible scenarios. While this may initially seem like an attractive option, and while it is true that some processing is usually warranted, without care, one can over analyze a matter to the point of indecision.

This leaves the fourth and final route–a combination of all of the above and the application of a specific technique to integrate them which I’d call intuition for the lack of a better word. Here I mean tapping into a deep feeling state that connects you to your collective experience and wisdom. Ultimately, one needs to cultivate this capacity as it involves trusting yourself. However, there is no better way to proceed and only through our trials (including our “successes and failures”) can we hone this skill.

You might then ask, (especially if do have difficulty trusting yourself,) how you can take such a risk. Here is the key—reframe the concept of a mistake, and understand that every experience, and indeed every challenge, is an opportunity for growth. With that in mind, mistakes are all relative.

At this moment, then, I’d like for you to explore how this all works together. First, play your situation out mentally, exploring the plausible outcomes of the various options and register your feelings with each of them. What do these potential decisions feel like…do you inexplicably feel “right” or “wrong” about any of them? What is the basis for your expectations; are you attached to any specific outcomes? Are you in any kind of denial? Double check your motives, as well as what you stand to gain and lose either way, but try not to over-think. I am willing to bet that the “right” decision is the one that will keep reappearing. Indeed, it might appear somewhere other than in your head, i.e. your gut. If that is the case, it might take a leap of faith to follow it, requiring you to go around the voices that are not your own.

Utilize your feelings and experiences and incorporate them into your stream of awareness allowing yourself, as well, to incorporate the thoughts of those who have your best interest at heart and can contribute something valuable to your deliberation. At this point, using others is not the same as deferment, but be careful here if you feel vulnerable.

Finally, as informed or confident as you may be in your decision once you’ve made it, remember that regardless of whatever precautions are taken, sometimes things simply do not work out as planned…so be able to go with the flow once your decision is made. Stand by it, even if the outcome turns out to be unexpected, even unfavorable. In the end, if you have learned something, you have made progress. Don’t second guess yourself or look back.

Answer: First off, allow me to commend you for your admirable ability to commit to such a change. Co-habiting with a partner requires a laundry list of hefty compromise—perhaps even more than marriage does—and your devotion to upholding this commitment is commendable. Clearly, you are confident that the benefits of sharing your living quarters with someone you care about so deeply leads to benefits that far outweigh that compromise.

That being said, I am wondering why you are rushing to secure your next milestone, when you should still be reaping the benefits of your most recent one. You seem to love and trust your partner, and yet there is something not quite within your grasp that you are focusing on which is preventing you from enjoying the way things are now.

Do you have a favorite movie? If so, I would imagine you’d be satisfied with the way it ends. However, when you watch it, do you skip ahead to the final scene, or do you get as much enjoyment out of the story that unfolds as you arrive there than the ending itself?

I want you to try to treat your relationship this way as well. It seems as though marriage is where you and your partner are eventually headed, so why do you feel the need to skip ahead? While decisiveness is a sound trait, transition is not designed to be rushed. Even when things are moving, there is still a pace and rhythm that must be respected in order for your transition to occur skillfully. Forward is a wonderful place to go, but moving too fast or doing so recklessly will sabotage the enjoyment of where you are now. Instead of trying to evade your current set of boundaries, value them, and view them as a protective layer against letting the beauty of your current moment pass you by.

Answer: First of all, congratulations on having such a loving, supportive family. You must feel very fortunate to have a network of caring individuals looking after you, and don’t think that you didn’t have everything to do with that. I am also impressed with your ability to see yourself so clearly and ask such a difficult question.

But, let’s step back and take a look at your life from another perspective. Here, I’d like for you to identify 3 very important phases of your life. The first is the innocent, growth oriented, and remarkably rapid learning though often confusing and frustrating era of childhood. The next is the chapter of child-rearing and work…birthing, raising and nurturing a small, inquisitive mind into a spellbinding force of independence and individuality and/or the pursuit of a career that supports the foundation of society itself. The last, and perhaps the most poorly appreciated in our society, is the third phase of living where all the experience of the previous two manifest in wisdom and practicality, including the ability to accept what cannot be changed and finally learning to flow.

I’m sure you’ll agree that, while there are different qualities of each of these cycles, there is something pleasant about each of them that cannot be achieved by the others. Many years ago, the Native Americans gave special recognition to the members of their clans who were aging. The oldest members of each society were revered for their experience and wisdom, and their physical needs were simply taken care of. There was no complaint of over-exertion, and nothing about the care was unexpected or unacceptable. When you speak about your children, this is what it reminds me of. Much can be learned from these Native American aging rituals, and the same can be said for the suggestions of your family.

I’d like for you to exercise an action that I think will help you understand how deeply the implications of this suggestion points to the way you are valued. Record a conversation with your children where you talk about your life. Let then ask you fundamental questions that marked pivotal moments in your journey. If they don’t know what to ask, just talk. Tell them what your dreams were when you were young, who your first love was, when you met their father and how you navigated through critical decisions and challenges that shaped your experiences. Through the information you dispel, your children will have the opportunity to appreciate the richness of your life thus far, and you’ll feel more confident in the achievement of that appreciation.

This heightened sense of consciousness will bring you all closer together and make the topic of helping you take care of your physical needs less of a doctrine and more of a collective decision.

Answer: What you’re experiencing is actually quite common, and you should be very proud, not only of your son for advancing into the next phase of his academic career and life, but of yourself for having a solid grasp of the feelings you’re experiencing. However, rather than ‘turning them around,’ I’d like for you to utilize them to get a deeper understanding of how to cope with them in a skillful way. Fortunately, now is the perfect time to take charge of your feelings. You shouldn’t feel ashamed in any way. The love for your son is pure and maternal, but I’d like for you to entertain the idea that perhaps his independence, along with some other factors, is scaring you.

As a matriarch, seemingly a strong and expressive one, you’ve created a bond with your child and a sense of identity for yourself as his mother. Your job now, will be not only to guide him through his own declaration of independence, but to undergo a very important one of your own.
As we become parents, we have a tendency to take on the identity of a nurturing individual and lose a bit of our own identity. It sounds as though your role as a mother has become such an inherent part of you that you’ve lost a bit of your own individuality. Do your feelings about your son’s journey to college reflect your fear about whether or not he will be all right, or do they equally reflect your imminent feelings of emptiness once he’s left? Are you ready to counter his independence with a declaration of your own?

I don’t doubt that you are truly dedicated to your family and that the meaning is genuine, but it seems as though your duties as a mother have made it easier to hide your own fears. Without your son as the focal point in your life, it may be scary.
The most liberating moment you will have will be making a choice that has scared you for years. It could be the thought of going back to school that deeply interests you, but scared you, too. You may have thought about moving into a smaller house, but used your son as excuse to delay making choices and moves. There is no better time than now. Celebrate this season of independence and claim your life and everything it has to offer. Treat your mind and body with respect and do what you know is balanced and right for your health and happiness. Just because you are a grown women doesn’t mean there isn’t room for growth. Don’t be afraid, instead be free.

Answer: The first part of my answer to your question needs to be another question: how bad is your relationship with your sister? There are times when a relationship is truly broken, and if that is the case for you, then you should let it go and skip the holiday events. Don’t cling to negative, unfixable relationships in your life.

However, if that suggestion doesn’t sit right with you, then it reflects that you have a desire to heal the relationship. There is obviously something important about it to you. In that case, with a little work, not only can you approach the holidays with your family in a way that makes them tolerable, there is a way to embrace it and look forward to it.

Whether it’s a coworker, a stranger, a friend or family member, we’ve all had someone get under our skin. Although it isn’t right, these instances help us remain aware of what sets us off, or what “our buttons” are. If your sister says something to hurt or bother you at the next family gathering, instead of reacting defensively, try to see it as an opportunity to reflect on your own issues. Each time someone gets a rise out of you, be thankful that it created that awareness. It’s not always easy to admit, but when someone, anyone, is pushing your buttons, you have to remember that they’re YOUR buttons. The work you can do once you’ve recognized these buttons is to learn about them and develop ways to cope with them.

Ask, “Why am I so affected by this person’s comments?” Why does she so easily push my buttons?” “What do I know and how can I move forward to create a better state of balance?” This last affirmation can help you rise above your condition (even when that condition takes the form of another person) to achieve a state of peace, harmony and tranquility.

Answer: To begin, it is important that you redefine what it means to be “in good shape.” Thinking about this in earnest, would you say a person who can run a marathon is in good shape if they come home to a house of turmoil and madness? As just one example, our relationships are a very critical indicator of our health and state of existence. And there are other areas of our lives that deserve similar recognition. Indeed, the changing conditions of the season give us the excuse and opportunity to make the necessary adjustments–an adjustment I would call Skillful Living.

Getting back to your question…running, while appropriate during the times of year that the weather is conducive to the activity seems like a good idea, but perhaps your body, appropriately uncomfortable in the cold with only a sweatsuit on, is actually trying to guide you to an appreciation of other aspects of your life that need attention as well.

Rather than resist this notion or feel guilty about “inactivity,” I would shift your perspective and look for, if not embrace, a new activity more suitable to the weather outside. I think you might find that when you do a more seasonally appropriate activity you will find more energy for the undertaking. Alternatively, perhaps this is a time to come inside, and pursue something altogether different, such as writing letters to old friends, mending fences inside your home, resting and restoring—collectively this is a time for removing obstacles and preserving your energy, while beginning to collect your thoughts and plans for activities that you might begin in the spring. Relax into it, the time is right for something different. The season for heavy lifting has ended. Ultimately, when you figure that out and come into the rhythm of nature you will bring yourself closer to the state of health you desire. Running alone will not get you there.

Answer: Nature’s cycles have to do with how the earth—and its inhabitants—renews itself. Sometimes this renewal process is gradual and gentle. Sometimes it is violent and destructive. Nevertheless, these cycles are endless sources of wonder, healing, and inspiration.

Local parks, nature trails and your own backyard are treasure troves of undiscovered beauty. In fact, the greatest place of tranquility might be found right outside your bedroom window in the form of a beautiful sunrise, rustling leaves, a duck floating on a pond, a sparrow building her nest, or a dew drop falling off a leaf.

Could you find fulfillment and joy by simply marveling at the cycles of plants and animals in response to seasonal and climatic changes to their environment? My children and I used to spend countless hours sitting beside a small pond on our property mesmerized by the iridescent quality of dragonfly wings. Witnessing first hand natural events such as bird migration, plant budding, flowering or fruiting, insect activities, and the stages of birth and death can help us reestablish our interconnection and interdependence with the natural world.

Every three months or so, it can be helpful to review the importance of each season as it comes to a close. In so doing, we may appreciate more fully the value of each season as it passes, as well as prepare ourselves for the transition to the next. By appreciating this value, we can enjoy the time more.

Answer: First and foremost, know that I admire your discipline. It takes an admirable level of commitment to devise—and stick to—a systematic method that will keep you on track toward accomplishing any number of goals and objectives.

However, I’m afraid that I can’t tell you how to control anything. That being said, I’d like for you to consider that perhaps there is an even greater opportunity for you.

First, I’ll ask that you remove yourself momentarily from the grasps of your perfectly organized plan, and instead entertain the notion that there will be things coming your way that, no matter how hard you try, you will have no control over. The rigid guidelines we impose upon ourselves, though they lend themselves to success and achievement, can set us up for failure.

Now imagine, for a moment, that you’re a farmer who is responsible for harvesting a crop on the 31st of every month. You deliver the harvest on July 31st and August 31st, but you’re at a loss in September when you’re one day short, representing a 3 percent reduction in produce. If your creditors expected 31 days of produce every month, you’d be in trouble. This throws off your schedule and subsequently could be deemed a failure. But, the question is, would you even set up such a rigid plan, knowing that not every month has 31 days? Clearly, the reliable and regenerative force of nature does not abide so strictly by the relentless minute hand on our worldly clocks. Why think about controlling something that is an artifact of some set of rules that is established for convenience, as opposed to reality?

At the risk of sounding cliché, sometimes, less is more. Just like you’ve developed a keen gift for exerting your energy and control, I encourage you to contemplate your limitations and hone the skill of acceptance and the ability to “roll with it.” Make it a goal to distinguish between what you can control and what you simply can’t, and don’t punish yourself for the latter. I think you will find that it’s a far more effective way to channel your energy.

Answer: It is never easy to lose somebody you care about, so I can’t give you advice on how to make this kind of loss easy. However, we can develop a completely different perspective on death that can comfort us at other times and perhaps help us deal with the losses we will inevitably face.

In a culture where death is associated with “The End” or with a “final judgment,” we are led to believe that once someone dies, our relationship with them also ends. In fact, some people resist moving past the grieving process because they want to hold on to the person who has died. Staying attached to the grief is a reflection of their desire to stay attached to their loved one; however, it is not healthy, as it interferes with life moving forward. If only they had a better way of remaining connected.

They hold on to the grief because they feel it is the only thing they have left. However, that finality is not necessarily true. Think of all of the cultures where people believe strongly that there is something after death, whether it’s heaven or reincarnation or anything else. Quite frankly, people who think there is nothing after death are in the minority!

Granted, everyone is entitled to their beliefs, but they are just that…nobody can truly know what happens after we die. Indeed, if you live with this question open, then other possibilities might just begin to emerge. With this new look at death, you might actually begin to feel like relationships themselves can transcend the physical plane and remain alive even after a person dies.

Again, this is why the emphasis must be placed on living now and cultivating and cherishing the best relationships possible. By assuring that the relationships you have are beautiful today you set up the future to be filled with beauty even into the unknown.