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Full Moon Wisdom
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"The birth of a man is the birth of his sorrow...His anxiety to avoid death becomes more and more acute...His thirst for survival in the future makes him incapable of living in the present." ~ Chuang Tzu |
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| Dear Michael, |  This week, many Americans are choosing costumes and candy in preparation for Halloween. While this day of fun and amusement has its value, in other parts of the world the day after stands in rather sharp contrast to the tricks and the treats of the 31st. On November 1st, Mexican culture begins its celebration of The Day of the Dead, a holiday when deceased loved ones are invited back to the earth through a series of rituals. For many, this may seem like a morbid alternative, however, I would suggest we think of the extraordinary nature of this day from another perspective. On The Day of the Dead, the living visit graveyards and dance with the souls of their loved ones who have died. This ritual may sound depressing to some people, but if looked at in a different way, this relationship with the dead is very beautiful. It allows us to maintain a connection with them and with death, while reassuring the living that when we die, we are not forgotten. Once again, I feel we can learn by exploring the rituals and practices of other people. I find that as citizens of a culture that aims to protect us from pain and suffering to such an extent, we wind up disconnected from practices that actually help us through difficult challenges that we will inevitably confront. To the point, I'm not sure we are very well prepared to face death in particular. Let's examine this further: How do you feel about death? Is it frightening? Sad? A horrible experience? In general, our society has a very negative perspective on death. However, as we can see by this example of the Mexican's Day of the Dead, there are other cultures that do not fear death and literally embrace it. It is interesting to me that this holiday, irrespective of cultural adaptation, that places death in the forefront happens to also coincide with this season of letting go. I would submit that by facing death in this ritualized, communal way, the Mexicans have found a solution to the anxiety that would otherwise dominate their feelings towards it. As a result, they have in place a practice which allows them to keep their focus on living. Again, whether or not you would wish to celebrate this day as they do in Mexico, it does reveal that there is a choice in how we relate to death. While we cannot simply eliminate our cultural bias about death, we can acknowledge that we have been "trained" to fear death, and therefore, if we chose, we could alternatively learn to better accept it. We can choose to do those things that help us overcome our fear. We can train our minds to focus elsewhere. Confronting our fear of mortality actually enhances our quality of life. It frees us to live in the moment and celebrate our blessings. Indeed, to live skillfully, we must prepare for the eventuality of loss and death. While challenging and potentially unpleasant, if we don't, we risk crashing when something happens. 
Perhaps, as you carve your pumpkin, you will think of your relatives and friends who have passed on and invite them to the party within your heart. It would be a nice beginning. I hope this puts a smile on his face and yours, Michael |
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Consider This...Skillful Reflection | |
 At the risk of being too heavy, I did want to stay on this topic of how we handle death for a bit longer. Ultimately, I believe there is a skillful way for us to cultivate a healthier attitude toward the subject, and thus an easier way to live.
You have all heard the point made before that the "sky" could fall tomorrow. Many times, I'm sure, you've actually considered it and made some mental notes to address the issues that require attention so that you shaped yourself up and stopped taking things for granted. Further, you probably have also thought about the last day of your life and how you would want to spend it.
Other questions to ask include what your feelings would be on that day, the quality of your relationships and whether or not you made the most of the opportunities presented to you during your life. Ultimately, this is about whether or not you are living up to your fullest potential.
Indeed, if you were to die tomorrow, what dreams would go unfulfilled? Putting off your hopes and wishes for future years can mean you never give them a chance. As a group, these are heavy questions and are pause for deep reflection. I have seen people put this off because it is simply overwhelming. But, as you know, there is real wisdom in taking care of this sooner rather than later. The practical issue is how to begin.
One place to start is by focusing on the quality of our lives. Death, we can observe, is most problematic when the life that preceded it is incomplete or unfulfilled. Anyone who feels they have not been given enough time will fear death. Living in the moment, giving up our habitual procrastination and denial, making the most of the time we have, treasuring all the blessings life has given us-all these will quite dramatically reduce our fear of death.
Another important way to transform our fear of death is to have faith in something greater than ourselves and beyond this physical world. I am not simply suggesting that you ascribe to a traditional religious view of an afterlife that consists of a celestial kingdom or fiery underworld. In truth, there are many ways of seeing the transcendent quality of our physical bodies that go beyond the overly simplistic, dualistic view of heaven and hell. This very notion, however, of some form of existence beyond the physical plane has the potential to animate us in such a way that it mitigates much of the anxiety over the eventual loss of our physical body.
Coupling this with finding a way to follow your dreams and live the life you want is the path, but focusing on living is the real answer. Look at the areas of your life that matter most to you. Many of us know intuitively, or at least have some sense of where we resonate. Do more every day to appreciate and enjoy the people and things that are meaningful and bring you the greatest joy. Then ask yourself: When was the last time you told those to whom you are closest how much they matter to you? When did you last hug your parent, child, spouse, or companion? When did you last simply spend time with someone you love? Do not assume that you have forever to do this. Carve time every day to relax and enjoy life whether it comes in the form of reading a book, listening to music, snuggling with your child, taking your dog for walk, or standing outside and taking in the beauty of a summer sunset.
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Advice from the Skillful Doctor | 
Question: A close friend of mine was recently killed in a car accident, and ever since, I'm terrified of losing anybody else I love in such a traumatic way. Ever since her death, if I have plans to meet a friend and he is 10 minutes late, I am afraid that he was in a terrible accident. I sleep with my cellphone on and next to my bed, just in case there's an emergency. If my son doesn't call when he says he will, I become panic stricken. How can I deal with this anxiety?
Answer: It is never easy to lose somebody you care about, so I can't give you advice on how to make this kind of loss easy. However, we can develop a completely different perspective on death that can comfort us at other times and perhaps help us deal with the losses we will inevitably face.
In a culture where death is associated with "The End" or with a "final judgment," we are led to believe that once someone dies, our relationship with them also ends. In fact, some people resist moving past the grieving process because they want to hold on to the person who has died. Staying attached to the grief is a reflection of their desire to stay attached to their loved one; however, it is not healthy, as it interferes with life moving forward. If only they had a better way of remaining connected.
Again, perhaps they are holding on to the grief because they feel it is the only thing they have left. However, that finality is not necessarily true. Think of all of the cultures where people believe strongly that there is something after death, whether it's heaven or reincarnation or anything else. Quite frankly, people who think there is nothing after death are in the minority!
Granted, everyone is entitled to their beliefs, but they are just that...nobody can truly know what happens after we die. Indeed, if you live with this question open, then other possibilities might just begin to emerge. With this new look at death, you might actually begin to feel like relationships themselves can transcend the physical plane and remain alive even after a person dies.
This is why the emphasis must be placed on living now and cultivating and cherishing the best relationships possible. By assuring that the relationships you have are beautiful today you set up the future to be filled with beauty even into the unknown.
Please submit your own question here.
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Announcements | |
The next three episodes of The Skillful Living Room Radio Show will be available here the day after they air. You can, of course, listen live, by tuning into the "listen live" link at Business Talk Radio. The show airs every Saturday at 12 Noon EST.
- On October 23rd, Jean Richardson of Gold Mine Natural Foods will speak with us about the healing powers of good food.
- On October 30th, Jeni Garrett of Woodhouse Day Spas will join us to discuss using spa treatments and relaxation techniques to cope with cancer treatments.
- On November 6th, I will switch seats and become the one interviewed.
- On November 13th, Dr. Jordan Josephson will join us to discuss his book, Sinus Relief Now.
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FINALLY! A MeaningFull Action for the Full Moon |
I close today's letter with this suggested activity for the full moon:
 Every day this week, sit down for 20 minutes or so and write a letter to a family member or close friend who has made an important contribution in your life. Even if some of the emotions are mixed, try to express appreciation for the valuable lessons that person taught you. Don't send these letters. Rather, keep them in a safe place and let one or two people know where they are, just in case. I think you will find doing this exercise produces a sense of great relief, maybe even healing of an unexpected nature; and helps you achieve greater peace.
Mitakuye Oyasin,
Michael Finkelstein
SunRaven
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The Next Installment: New Moon, November 6, 2010
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